The hardest thing for me to do in my life is to let go... no matter how small and insignificant something may be, i always find myself resisting letting it go. When my parents divorced at age 9, i refused to let go of the idea that they would never be back together. i think if i look deep into myself, i still have yet to give this hope up, even while knowing it would not be good for either of them. when i went off to college i refused to let go of my high school friendships, even though they were no longer harmonious to our new true selves. i still keep in touch with a few of them, but when i am honest with myself i recognize that we are no longer best friends, and probably never will be again. even small things like a drug induced high was hard for me to let go during my experimental years. i always wanted to stay a little longer, feel just a little bit better, before letting go and residing back into reality... but why? why is is so hard to let go? a dear friend recently pointed out to me that i have always wanted instant gratification, because i did not trust the future. i think it applies here to. if i let go of this now, what will i have next? what will the future hold? what if it is not better? how can i jump ship when i dont know if there will be a life boat to save me?
The hardest thing for me to let go was my relationship with the man i loved for over a quarter of my life. the heartache was unimaginable and i retreated back to childish ways just to put off dealing with the pain. of course deep down i knew that the break up was inevitable and absolutely necessary, but letting go of the dream future i had created in my mind was life shattering. i thought i was finally at peace with it all, and of course thankful because its what got me to thailand on this spiritual journey, but that all came crashing down last night... i received news that my X got married to the woman he was cheating on me with, and my heart stopped beating. all thoughts left my mind, and my soul silently wept. but why? did i not let this all go a year and a half ago? why do i even care??
i was proud of myself for not crying, and for my first response to be "good for him, i hope he is happy and at peace..." but i admit a part of my ego thought "ha, she is probably just in it for the green card (she is chinese) and i bet they will be broken up in less than 2 years...". and though i feel guilty for having the thought at all, i now realize that those thoughts are useful information... information that there unconsciously is still a piece of me that has not yet let go. like hanging from a tree just before plunging into the water, but your last pinky finger refuses to release its grip for fear of what the water holds... something inside of me just doesnt want to let go. i would never want to get back together, and know there is no way he could handle my new state of mind, but then why does it hurt? i sat quietly with this thought, and tried to examine my emotions. they revealed that its not that i dont want him to be happy, or to find love again... its just the thought of "why was i so easy to leave behind? why was i so easy to get over and forget?"
but as i remained silent i also recognized that those were still thoughts from ego. its not personal. its not about me. the frequency i vibrate in is much higher than the one he does. neither vibration is right or wrong, but when the vibrations are that far apart, we simply cannot feel the other. as my vibration shifted towards Divine, he was left free of my wake, and clicked into that of a docile woman who would allow his vibration to be dominant. i required equality, which he was not willing to give. so its not that i was easy to forget, its that he never truly felt my vibration in the first place. so again, in the end, i am exactly where i need to be.
but what do we do with these egotistical feelings that are bitter and spiteful by nature? we bless them. we recognize them for what they are, ego, and information that our heart still has some letting go to do. and if every time we have these ill thoughts, we send blessings to those that the thoughts were about, we at least come to a vibration that is neutral. the more we do this, the more our ego mind can let go, and the more our true being can shine. if we fail to bless them, and continue to only hope for them to have pain and suffering, then we will be brought pain and suffering. we get what we give. karma. and honestly karma is a bigger bitch than ill ever need to be. so i bite the bullet, and send them love and peace. when the thoughts of her in my old apartment, playing with my cat, sleeping in my bed, pop into my mind, i exhale, and send them love. i send them peace... and in return, i feel love. i feel peace. i feel better.
so be not afraid of letting go; of the future. be not afraid of the water. take the plunge. the free fall is exhilarating, and Divine, who is always present, is the only life boat you will ever need...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Opportunity
so i find that if i just start writing, the page will fill itself... and to my surprise, i usually like it. i always have a loose idea in mind for the topic of my entries, but i find that usually Divine takes over and ends up writing it for me. when i write, i give my brain the opportunity to be still, and let the essence shine through. no chatter. no banter. no thoughts of tomorrow, or rememberances of today... just the opportunity to be... the opportunity to flow.
i am almost out of money and sincerely want to stay in asia, so i asked Divine to please show me an honorable way to make income. within 48 hours two huge opportunities fell into my lap and i was sure that they were my answer from God. at first i was ecstatic, but the more energy i put into both, the more stressed and unhappy i became. i was so confused as to why Divine would provide me with 2 opportunities that were basically set up to fail... Both positions (teaching english, and being the director of a potential new health spa here in chiang mai) were handed to me with little guidance or definition. Just do it. Just make it happen. Just teach english; "you speak english so no problem, no problem..." oh and by the way we only have a little money.
i jumped at the chance to completely design a new spa and get it up and running because that is right up my alley and i am confident that i could make it very successful... but when the owner hinted at the fact i would not be paid for my work until the business opened i started to feel some dis-ease. he instead introduced me to his friend who owns a private nursing school and within ten minutes, and a lot of thai words that i did not understand, told me i would start teaching english at her school in 2 days... i just has to design a curriculum, lesson plans, homework assignments and tests before hand. the dis-ease grew. i spent that night, and my entire 28th birthday attempting to fulfill these requests and became more panicked as the deadline came closer. the director of the school called and said to just make an easy lesson plan for day 1, "they dont speak any english... just do greetings and numbers etc..." she proceeded to tell me that she would not even be there on day 1 due to a meeting, but that her husband and the permanent teacher would be. when i asked if they could translate for me, she said no because they only speak a little english themselves... the "no-problem" part time job to make a little (and i stress a little) money really began to bug me out. and i still couldnt understand why God would have brought solutions that included so much stress. but on i pushed, doing research on the web, thumbing through ESL english manuals, on my birthday, just so my desired end of making money could come into fruition.
Day 1 arrived and was a complete disaster. i walked into the classroom to find 25 staring faces, whispering in words i couldn't understand, and no sight of the teacher or husband. is this really how the first day of a new job is supposed to go? i began with greetings, to quickly learn that the students already knew them... and everything else i had planned to teach. so much for them not speaking english at all... these kids could even write it. so what the hell was i going to do for the next 2 hours? fortunately i brought my thai phrase book with me and did end up teaching the students some very useful health related words and expressions foreign patients may say to them, but i came home completely drained and depressed. why had i been set up to fail? i tried one more time to make this desired end work, but after doing more research i learned that i should not be responsible for designing the curriculum and other expected materials, unless i was at a University and receiving 5 times the amount i was offered.
Finally it clicked, literally, that this was not about making money, but about taking my power back, and learning how to not give it away. i have a habit of letting myself be taken advantage of, and a habit of not standing up when faced with a potential negative outcome. well, here was the opportunity to do both. I had missed the opportunity to keep my power; I missed the opportunity to ask for more money, or more time before starting to teach so that i could enjoy my birthday...
now i have to take the opportunity to take my power back, and let go of my desired end of making money to stay. in the end, they need me more than i need them. in the end, i dont have to have money now to travel... i can come back. my desire to stay is strong, but i finally realized that staying and working an insane amount of hours between both jobs for very little money was not my solution. i just wanted to make money to travel. so why take jobs that would permanently keep me in chiang mai? i am still a bit sad that i must pass on the spa position, because it has become a dream of mine and seems silly to let it slip through my fingertips, but when i take the opportunity to be still, i see and more importantly feel the dis-ease that tells me now is not the time. but had i stayed rigid in my thinking, in my hoping for a desired end, i would be slaving over english books and budget proposals right now... and would definitely not be traveling.
opportunity is everywhere. the key is to have your eyes and mind open so that you can see them for what they really are. many instances can appear to be an opportunity to achieve a desired end, and we believe it so much that we focus all our energy on it. however, sometimes it really is the opportunity for something else entirely, a different end... one with higher meaning. we can miss it completely while staying rigid in our hope and expectation for our desired end. we even suffer when it doesn't happen, and we think things haven't worked out. ... but when we approach all things with an open mind, a loose idea, there is room for change, room for growth, and the opportunity for Divine to shine through...
i am almost out of money and sincerely want to stay in asia, so i asked Divine to please show me an honorable way to make income. within 48 hours two huge opportunities fell into my lap and i was sure that they were my answer from God. at first i was ecstatic, but the more energy i put into both, the more stressed and unhappy i became. i was so confused as to why Divine would provide me with 2 opportunities that were basically set up to fail... Both positions (teaching english, and being the director of a potential new health spa here in chiang mai) were handed to me with little guidance or definition. Just do it. Just make it happen. Just teach english; "you speak english so no problem, no problem..." oh and by the way we only have a little money.
i jumped at the chance to completely design a new spa and get it up and running because that is right up my alley and i am confident that i could make it very successful... but when the owner hinted at the fact i would not be paid for my work until the business opened i started to feel some dis-ease. he instead introduced me to his friend who owns a private nursing school and within ten minutes, and a lot of thai words that i did not understand, told me i would start teaching english at her school in 2 days... i just has to design a curriculum, lesson plans, homework assignments and tests before hand. the dis-ease grew. i spent that night, and my entire 28th birthday attempting to fulfill these requests and became more panicked as the deadline came closer. the director of the school called and said to just make an easy lesson plan for day 1, "they dont speak any english... just do greetings and numbers etc..." she proceeded to tell me that she would not even be there on day 1 due to a meeting, but that her husband and the permanent teacher would be. when i asked if they could translate for me, she said no because they only speak a little english themselves... the "no-problem" part time job to make a little (and i stress a little) money really began to bug me out. and i still couldnt understand why God would have brought solutions that included so much stress. but on i pushed, doing research on the web, thumbing through ESL english manuals, on my birthday, just so my desired end of making money could come into fruition.
Day 1 arrived and was a complete disaster. i walked into the classroom to find 25 staring faces, whispering in words i couldn't understand, and no sight of the teacher or husband. is this really how the first day of a new job is supposed to go? i began with greetings, to quickly learn that the students already knew them... and everything else i had planned to teach. so much for them not speaking english at all... these kids could even write it. so what the hell was i going to do for the next 2 hours? fortunately i brought my thai phrase book with me and did end up teaching the students some very useful health related words and expressions foreign patients may say to them, but i came home completely drained and depressed. why had i been set up to fail? i tried one more time to make this desired end work, but after doing more research i learned that i should not be responsible for designing the curriculum and other expected materials, unless i was at a University and receiving 5 times the amount i was offered.
Finally it clicked, literally, that this was not about making money, but about taking my power back, and learning how to not give it away. i have a habit of letting myself be taken advantage of, and a habit of not standing up when faced with a potential negative outcome. well, here was the opportunity to do both. I had missed the opportunity to keep my power; I missed the opportunity to ask for more money, or more time before starting to teach so that i could enjoy my birthday...
now i have to take the opportunity to take my power back, and let go of my desired end of making money to stay. in the end, they need me more than i need them. in the end, i dont have to have money now to travel... i can come back. my desire to stay is strong, but i finally realized that staying and working an insane amount of hours between both jobs for very little money was not my solution. i just wanted to make money to travel. so why take jobs that would permanently keep me in chiang mai? i am still a bit sad that i must pass on the spa position, because it has become a dream of mine and seems silly to let it slip through my fingertips, but when i take the opportunity to be still, i see and more importantly feel the dis-ease that tells me now is not the time. but had i stayed rigid in my thinking, in my hoping for a desired end, i would be slaving over english books and budget proposals right now... and would definitely not be traveling.
opportunity is everywhere. the key is to have your eyes and mind open so that you can see them for what they really are. many instances can appear to be an opportunity to achieve a desired end, and we believe it so much that we focus all our energy on it. however, sometimes it really is the opportunity for something else entirely, a different end... one with higher meaning. we can miss it completely while staying rigid in our hope and expectation for our desired end. we even suffer when it doesn't happen, and we think things haven't worked out. ... but when we approach all things with an open mind, a loose idea, there is room for change, room for growth, and the opportunity for Divine to shine through...
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