Letter to a Teenager

I received a letter from someone i truely care about. and while her words were hurtful at first, i am happy that she wrote it. it took this letter to understand how important guidence really is. i have been fortunate enough to be guided by my wise and incredible mother for most of my life, and by Divine for the past few years. when a souce is ever present, life doesnt seem so bad... because there is always someone to turn to. while Divine is always present, it can seem intangible. it took many years for me to fully cultivate my relationship to Source, and i always had my mom to guide me in the process. but what i never thought about was other people's sourses to Source. sources to guidence. sources to wisdom. i always had mine. but not everyone does. it is because of this letter that i now know more than ever that i am to share my wisdom and guidence with any who are seeking. this blog may serve as a catalyst to do just that, but in truth this process started long ago. but i also realized that i must be a strong woman, and positive guiding light for the children in my life. they are not my own, so i assumed the parents would take on this role. but i understand now that the parents are busy working, heavily stressed, and just plain worn out. they offer all that they can, but for a teenager growing up in todays american culture, its not enough... i am thankful that Divine has presented me with this situation, to learn this lesson, and to begin the process... and i hope my letter to her can help her with hers...
"...one of the reasons i feel such a deep sense of family here is because i dont at home. i am very close with my parents, but thats it. i feel like i have completely lost touch with my brothers and sister in laws. i take any time i can get with uncle ryan, which is minimal at best, but outside of holidays and the kids birthdays (we barely gather for our own anymore which sucks) we never see each other. i agree that this is lacking. i have waited almost 28 years to feel like i belong somewhere. i have felt lost and alone for most of my life. even though i was always surrounded by people. no one ever really knew me, or understood me. i allowed myself to adapt to others to ensure people would like me, but i lost myself in the process. i didnt have my own voice. it took a wild, intense, and chaotic 2007 to spark the change, and took coming to thailand to truely feel like i belong. finally i know who i am. finally i like myself. finally i have my own voice, and whats better, i have something to say. it took a long time for me to figure this all out... and what it really took was my deeper connection with Divine. it is only because of this that everything in my life started to make sense and fall into place. i have never been so happy. i know it seems intangible to have a relationship with God, but its not. and when we learn how to cultivate it, the energy stirred is intoxicating. you feel good, and life starts to get easier. i'd be happy to explain if you are interested... and i would love for to read my blog. i think it will help you to understand a lot of things. many people tell me it gives them inspiration. it causes me pain that you are in pain. originally it was your words that hurt, but they do not any longer. what hurts is that you are in pain and you have no tools to handle it. and how could you? your family is not really present. and i am sorry that i have not been more present in your life. but from now on i will be. i may live in asia the next few years, but skype is a beautiful thing. the only reason i have gotten through the many trials and tribulations of my life are because of my mother. and i know that your relationship with your mom still lacks of guidence. nana has been through more in her life time than you can possibly imagine, and her wisdom is highly valued by everyone that knows her. she has passed a lot of it on to me and we both want to share it with you. we both want to be strong women in your life and i am sorry that it has taken all of this to make that start to happen. but it will now. the fog will start to clear for you sweetheart. there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes it just feels so far away that we forget that its there. we must remind ourselves, and bring a candle, to be our own light. and without the guidence and wisdom to spark the match, darkness can consume us. while i know this is the hardest your life has ever been, let that be your motivation to start seeking now. seek to cultivate. seek to understand. seek to have purpose. we were not put on this earth to slave away our lives, working to pay for shit that we dont need. there is so much more to life. take charge and find it. you dont have to get stuck in the grind. dig deep, and get out. that doesnt mean abandoning everything, but choose to let Divine lead the way... so you can have faith that all is how it should be. and that everything has a reason. look for the meanings. look for the lessons. look for the positive things in every situation. and find ways to always choose happiness. no one can take it from us if we do not let them. and that doesnt mean that shitty things wont happen. but there is always something to be thankful for. there is always something to bless. there is always God..."

"Same, Same... but Different"

The quote "same, same, but different" is used often in the country of thailand, and apparently other asian cultures as well. it took a good 6 weeks before i understood the meaning, but i now realize that this saying is perfect for many situations. throughout many discussions with my new friends here, it is evident that there are so many similarities between cultures, even with their differences. for instance, ricardo, clara, and i were discussing drug use in high school and in general. all three of us smoked pot for the majority of our senior year of high school, and the latter part of our teenage years. we shared crazy stories and reasons for our experimentation. and even though they were in spain, and i was in the US, it was the same... same, same, but different. what i loved most about this conversation was the agreement in conclusions about experimenting: that we learned a lot about ourselves and the world while intoxicated, and would never take it back, but that it eventually must be put aside so we can get on with our lives, and put that information to use. and we all agreed that it is because of this that we are all here in thailand now... drugs helped smooth the transition of our ego minds into a deeper realm of thinking and connection, but once the connection was made, the drugs were no longer needed. we all have stories of friends or loved ones who went "too far down the rabbit hole" and now are addicted to drugs, or are convinced that the only way to this connection is through them. but fortunately, we knew our limits, knew when the slope was too slippery, and most importantly, learned how to connect without them. and through this connection, now on a sober level, we were led to thailand to gain more wisdom and knowledge. some for various reason but either way... same, same, but different.
i have also listened to stories from my friends who grew up in countries where terror is the norm. ayala shared numerous situations growing up in israel where suicide bombers blew up before her eyes, killing many in their wake. joyce told me about her armed body guard in pakistan that protects her on the rare occasions she leaves her home. she jumped when a tuk-tuk backfired while passing us on the street and said, "oh! i thought it was another bomb! before i left for thailand my house shook when a suicide bomber tried to get through our front gate, and blew up when the security tried to stop him..." while the countries are different, the theme is the same... fear, oppression, and chaos... same, same, but different...
listening to their stories opened my eyes in more ways than i can explain. while i've always known these horrible things happen, and that i am fortunate i grew up in a country where they are at a minimum, meeting people that have lived through it strikes the nerve of appreciation and discust for the american culture. while we are fortunate not to live in these fears, it is amost just as damaging to keep us blindfolded to the reality of what is going on in the world. the people i have met while traveling are much wiser for their age than the typical american. they have a better grip on the world as a whole. americans have a grip on the next american idle and brittney spear's love life. the media, no doubtably truely controlled by the government, flashes glimpses of world events in the first 30 seconds of a news broadcast, before barrading us with consumer products... "war breaks out in the middle east, but first a word from our sponser... cover up those gray hairs with new l'oreal highlight 2 in 1 treatment..." like, yeah there is a whole bunch of really bad shit going on out there, but you are helpless to do anything about it so, make yourself feel better and buy my product... like zombies, the american society works and consumes, works and consumes... with very little knowledge or understanding of what is really going on.
a friend once asked me, "if ignorance is bliss, then i am i so damn curious?" my response, which i think relates to my previous statement was this, "ignorance lacks knowledge. curiosity seeks it. but sometimes truth can knock us off our cloud 9." so maybe not knowing the realities and complexities of the world can keep our head in the clouds, but the lack of knowledge keeps our feet from touching the ground. we grow lazy and unappreciative. we expect things to be given freely, and are always ready to blame everyone else but ourselves for our hardships. while i am not saying that we must engulf ourselves in world affairs, or focus on the many problems at hand, we must take it all in to gain perspective. when we are zoomed in it can feel like a tidal wave is crashing all around us... but when we zoom out, we see it is merely a tear drop rippiling in a puddle. we allow trivial notions and interactions to govern our responses to life, but we must step back and view everything as a whole. these things are a sliver of the pie. there is so much more to learn, to know, to feel, to be. if our society continues on its path to the biggest house, with the best car, and most toys, in the end our lives will all be... same, same, but different...

Even Pardise can feel Lonely...

Th past few days have been hard. While i know i am here for a reason, the reason has been somewhat undefined... and now somewhat revealed. Many of my friends have finished school and have returned home... leaving me by myself. I do have a few friends left that are in my 10 week program, but its not the same. Paradise is easy when you have plenty of people to share it with, but even Pardise can feel lonely. I began missing home more and more lately, but full knowing it is not home that i miss, its the contact with my friends and family. While in a lull, it is easy for the mind to run amok. And then it occured to me... the first true purpose of this trip is to become completely comfortable by myself.
I have always been "a social butterfly" as my mother calls it, filling my time with friends, and when no one was around, anything to keep myself busy. I have no idea how to just... be. The stress of school, and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness wreaked havoc on my body the past week, with headaches, unrestful sleep, and emotional outbursts. How can i possibly feel so all alone??... but it has dawned on me that i am never really alone, for Divine is always closer than my breath. My first true purpose is to cultivate the relationship within so that i can be compfortable when there is no one else around... beacuse there is always God. While the presence of Divine is always easy to feel when times are good, it is even more important to focus on that presence when things are, well, shitty. How can i ever truely help others if i cannot first help myself? First i must learn how to nuture myself from the Divine within...
Everyone gets lonely sometimes, me especially, but we are never truely alone. When it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and there is no one to pass it off to, just remember that there is always God. We are not meant to ever go through life alone... even when there is no one in sight... because Divine is within and always present. It is only now that i feel i can continue on my path of enlightment, because even though no one walks besides me, God is always inside of me.