Though I have always known it to be true, it has become abundantly clear to me that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. And while we may not always know at the time, or ever for that matter, what the reason is we must have faith that there is one...
I am currently "stuck" in Bangkok alone with no real assurance as to when I will finally fly home. I paid a travel agent over 29,000 baht (about $1000) for a plane ticket leaving Bangkok on September 29th, but a few days before my boyfriend (who also booked his return ticket through the travel agent) was due to leave we received word there had been an error and he would be unable to fly home on his scheduled date of the 24th. At first I was the happiest girl ever because that meant I had a few more days with my baby... however over the course of the next week the date of his departure continued to change, even after recieving confirmation emails for the flights. We were both broke, but at least we had each other, so we simply prayed about it and let Divine take care of it... Our stress did continue to rise though as things became more muddled but after a suggestive letter from his aunt that the cops would be called if the matter was not resolved, David did eventually get a flight home... so we were confident that my ticket would not be a problem. Sure I was out of money, but I had just enough to last the extra day and a half so we were not worried.
However, shortly after David's departure I recieved word from the travel agent that my ticket was now up in the air and that I too would have to wait. With each passing day I was promised that I would be able to fly out "tomorrow"... but "tomorrow" has yet to come. And to make matters worse my visa expired on the 30th and I will encure a 500 baht penatly per day that I am in the country beyond my allowed date... so with only 70 baht left to my name (less than $2) I began to panic... My ego ran my mind amok and I cried out to God, "why is it that now that I am ready to go home, I cannot leave?" After speaking with David and my family I became calmer and began to pray. I realized that there must be a reason for this delay and that if I do not get my vibration back to the Light of my True Being, I will miss the reason, and potentially prolong my stay in Bangkok even longer. Again my ego just wanted to bitch, like, "why couldnt this have happend in Chiang Mai where I have friends that can help me, and an area that I know well and feel safe in?" But as I grew silent and asked God to allow my ego to calm so that I could be in a positive vibration the answers to my ego's thought started to come.
It is a test of Faith; a time to put all of the lessons that I have learned on this journey to good use. Of course it was easy for me to feel connected to Divine in Chiang Mai where the energy flows so deeply... Of course it was easy to feel connected to Divine when spending time with the love of my life who also has a deep relationship with God... but can I do it alone in the face of a large city with ample noise, people, lights, and chaos? Can I find my center when there are so many things around to distract me? As I contimplated this my vibration shifted yet higher and more answers arose... If I cant do it here, how can I possibly think I can vibrate at this new frequency when at home, where it is so easy to just fall back into the old habbits and routines of life? If I cannot learn to remain my expanded True Self in Bangkok, I will not be able to remain my expanded True Self at home.
I decided to go to a book store with the little bit of money I have left (after a donation from my mother to my bank account) to buy a spiritual book to help me in this process. I chose Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist" and read the 177 page book in one sitting. By the end I had tears in my eyes, a smile on my face, and the peace that comes from knowing we are all always truely connected to Source. There were many lessons in the book that I can apply to my current situation but the one that hit home the most was when the alchemist says to the boy, "what you need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everyting that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream." It is then that the boy recalls an old proverb from his country, "the darkest hour of night came just before the dawn..." After reading these words I knew I had chosen the right book, and that it was reitifying what I has already started to contimplate... that I must be tested on the lessons I have learned while traveling South East Asia so that I may truely apply them in my life in the Western World; so that I do not lose them and fall back into the person I was before I left.
So here I sit, still unaware of when I will get to come home, but with a smile on my face... For I am not really alone, because Divine is always closer than our breath. It is a time of reflection amongst the stress; a time of silence amongst the noise; a time of peace amongst the chaos; and a time of prayer amongst ego's desire to retreat to its old routine... Expansion of my soul is what I came to seek, but what I have learned in this very moment is that even expansion needs time to center. And while this may feel like the darkest hour, the dawn is still on the horizon...
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Letting Go...
The hardest thing for me to do in my life is to let go... no matter how small and insignificant something may be, i always find myself resisting letting it go. When my parents divorced at age 9, i refused to let go of the idea that they would never be back together. i think if i look deep into myself, i still have yet to give this hope up, even while knowing it would not be good for either of them. when i went off to college i refused to let go of my high school friendships, even though they were no longer harmonious to our new true selves. i still keep in touch with a few of them, but when i am honest with myself i recognize that we are no longer best friends, and probably never will be again. even small things like a drug induced high was hard for me to let go during my experimental years. i always wanted to stay a little longer, feel just a little bit better, before letting go and residing back into reality... but why? why is is so hard to let go? a dear friend recently pointed out to me that i have always wanted instant gratification, because i did not trust the future. i think it applies here to. if i let go of this now, what will i have next? what will the future hold? what if it is not better? how can i jump ship when i dont know if there will be a life boat to save me?
The hardest thing for me to let go was my relationship with the man i loved for over a quarter of my life. the heartache was unimaginable and i retreated back to childish ways just to put off dealing with the pain. of course deep down i knew that the break up was inevitable and absolutely necessary, but letting go of the dream future i had created in my mind was life shattering. i thought i was finally at peace with it all, and of course thankful because its what got me to thailand on this spiritual journey, but that all came crashing down last night... i received news that my X got married to the woman he was cheating on me with, and my heart stopped beating. all thoughts left my mind, and my soul silently wept. but why? did i not let this all go a year and a half ago? why do i even care??
i was proud of myself for not crying, and for my first response to be "good for him, i hope he is happy and at peace..." but i admit a part of my ego thought "ha, she is probably just in it for the green card (she is chinese) and i bet they will be broken up in less than 2 years...". and though i feel guilty for having the thought at all, i now realize that those thoughts are useful information... information that there unconsciously is still a piece of me that has not yet let go. like hanging from a tree just before plunging into the water, but your last pinky finger refuses to release its grip for fear of what the water holds... something inside of me just doesnt want to let go. i would never want to get back together, and know there is no way he could handle my new state of mind, but then why does it hurt? i sat quietly with this thought, and tried to examine my emotions. they revealed that its not that i dont want him to be happy, or to find love again... its just the thought of "why was i so easy to leave behind? why was i so easy to get over and forget?"
but as i remained silent i also recognized that those were still thoughts from ego. its not personal. its not about me. the frequency i vibrate in is much higher than the one he does. neither vibration is right or wrong, but when the vibrations are that far apart, we simply cannot feel the other. as my vibration shifted towards Divine, he was left free of my wake, and clicked into that of a docile woman who would allow his vibration to be dominant. i required equality, which he was not willing to give. so its not that i was easy to forget, its that he never truly felt my vibration in the first place. so again, in the end, i am exactly where i need to be.
but what do we do with these egotistical feelings that are bitter and spiteful by nature? we bless them. we recognize them for what they are, ego, and information that our heart still has some letting go to do. and if every time we have these ill thoughts, we send blessings to those that the thoughts were about, we at least come to a vibration that is neutral. the more we do this, the more our ego mind can let go, and the more our true being can shine. if we fail to bless them, and continue to only hope for them to have pain and suffering, then we will be brought pain and suffering. we get what we give. karma. and honestly karma is a bigger bitch than ill ever need to be. so i bite the bullet, and send them love and peace. when the thoughts of her in my old apartment, playing with my cat, sleeping in my bed, pop into my mind, i exhale, and send them love. i send them peace... and in return, i feel love. i feel peace. i feel better.
so be not afraid of letting go; of the future. be not afraid of the water. take the plunge. the free fall is exhilarating, and Divine, who is always present, is the only life boat you will ever need...
The hardest thing for me to let go was my relationship with the man i loved for over a quarter of my life. the heartache was unimaginable and i retreated back to childish ways just to put off dealing with the pain. of course deep down i knew that the break up was inevitable and absolutely necessary, but letting go of the dream future i had created in my mind was life shattering. i thought i was finally at peace with it all, and of course thankful because its what got me to thailand on this spiritual journey, but that all came crashing down last night... i received news that my X got married to the woman he was cheating on me with, and my heart stopped beating. all thoughts left my mind, and my soul silently wept. but why? did i not let this all go a year and a half ago? why do i even care??
i was proud of myself for not crying, and for my first response to be "good for him, i hope he is happy and at peace..." but i admit a part of my ego thought "ha, she is probably just in it for the green card (she is chinese) and i bet they will be broken up in less than 2 years...". and though i feel guilty for having the thought at all, i now realize that those thoughts are useful information... information that there unconsciously is still a piece of me that has not yet let go. like hanging from a tree just before plunging into the water, but your last pinky finger refuses to release its grip for fear of what the water holds... something inside of me just doesnt want to let go. i would never want to get back together, and know there is no way he could handle my new state of mind, but then why does it hurt? i sat quietly with this thought, and tried to examine my emotions. they revealed that its not that i dont want him to be happy, or to find love again... its just the thought of "why was i so easy to leave behind? why was i so easy to get over and forget?"
but as i remained silent i also recognized that those were still thoughts from ego. its not personal. its not about me. the frequency i vibrate in is much higher than the one he does. neither vibration is right or wrong, but when the vibrations are that far apart, we simply cannot feel the other. as my vibration shifted towards Divine, he was left free of my wake, and clicked into that of a docile woman who would allow his vibration to be dominant. i required equality, which he was not willing to give. so its not that i was easy to forget, its that he never truly felt my vibration in the first place. so again, in the end, i am exactly where i need to be.
but what do we do with these egotistical feelings that are bitter and spiteful by nature? we bless them. we recognize them for what they are, ego, and information that our heart still has some letting go to do. and if every time we have these ill thoughts, we send blessings to those that the thoughts were about, we at least come to a vibration that is neutral. the more we do this, the more our ego mind can let go, and the more our true being can shine. if we fail to bless them, and continue to only hope for them to have pain and suffering, then we will be brought pain and suffering. we get what we give. karma. and honestly karma is a bigger bitch than ill ever need to be. so i bite the bullet, and send them love and peace. when the thoughts of her in my old apartment, playing with my cat, sleeping in my bed, pop into my mind, i exhale, and send them love. i send them peace... and in return, i feel love. i feel peace. i feel better.
so be not afraid of letting go; of the future. be not afraid of the water. take the plunge. the free fall is exhilarating, and Divine, who is always present, is the only life boat you will ever need...
Monday, July 20, 2009
Opportunity
so i find that if i just start writing, the page will fill itself... and to my surprise, i usually like it. i always have a loose idea in mind for the topic of my entries, but i find that usually Divine takes over and ends up writing it for me. when i write, i give my brain the opportunity to be still, and let the essence shine through. no chatter. no banter. no thoughts of tomorrow, or rememberances of today... just the opportunity to be... the opportunity to flow.
i am almost out of money and sincerely want to stay in asia, so i asked Divine to please show me an honorable way to make income. within 48 hours two huge opportunities fell into my lap and i was sure that they were my answer from God. at first i was ecstatic, but the more energy i put into both, the more stressed and unhappy i became. i was so confused as to why Divine would provide me with 2 opportunities that were basically set up to fail... Both positions (teaching english, and being the director of a potential new health spa here in chiang mai) were handed to me with little guidance or definition. Just do it. Just make it happen. Just teach english; "you speak english so no problem, no problem..." oh and by the way we only have a little money.
i jumped at the chance to completely design a new spa and get it up and running because that is right up my alley and i am confident that i could make it very successful... but when the owner hinted at the fact i would not be paid for my work until the business opened i started to feel some dis-ease. he instead introduced me to his friend who owns a private nursing school and within ten minutes, and a lot of thai words that i did not understand, told me i would start teaching english at her school in 2 days... i just has to design a curriculum, lesson plans, homework assignments and tests before hand. the dis-ease grew. i spent that night, and my entire 28th birthday attempting to fulfill these requests and became more panicked as the deadline came closer. the director of the school called and said to just make an easy lesson plan for day 1, "they dont speak any english... just do greetings and numbers etc..." she proceeded to tell me that she would not even be there on day 1 due to a meeting, but that her husband and the permanent teacher would be. when i asked if they could translate for me, she said no because they only speak a little english themselves... the "no-problem" part time job to make a little (and i stress a little) money really began to bug me out. and i still couldnt understand why God would have brought solutions that included so much stress. but on i pushed, doing research on the web, thumbing through ESL english manuals, on my birthday, just so my desired end of making money could come into fruition.
Day 1 arrived and was a complete disaster. i walked into the classroom to find 25 staring faces, whispering in words i couldn't understand, and no sight of the teacher or husband. is this really how the first day of a new job is supposed to go? i began with greetings, to quickly learn that the students already knew them... and everything else i had planned to teach. so much for them not speaking english at all... these kids could even write it. so what the hell was i going to do for the next 2 hours? fortunately i brought my thai phrase book with me and did end up teaching the students some very useful health related words and expressions foreign patients may say to them, but i came home completely drained and depressed. why had i been set up to fail? i tried one more time to make this desired end work, but after doing more research i learned that i should not be responsible for designing the curriculum and other expected materials, unless i was at a University and receiving 5 times the amount i was offered.
Finally it clicked, literally, that this was not about making money, but about taking my power back, and learning how to not give it away. i have a habit of letting myself be taken advantage of, and a habit of not standing up when faced with a potential negative outcome. well, here was the opportunity to do both. I had missed the opportunity to keep my power; I missed the opportunity to ask for more money, or more time before starting to teach so that i could enjoy my birthday...
now i have to take the opportunity to take my power back, and let go of my desired end of making money to stay. in the end, they need me more than i need them. in the end, i dont have to have money now to travel... i can come back. my desire to stay is strong, but i finally realized that staying and working an insane amount of hours between both jobs for very little money was not my solution. i just wanted to make money to travel. so why take jobs that would permanently keep me in chiang mai? i am still a bit sad that i must pass on the spa position, because it has become a dream of mine and seems silly to let it slip through my fingertips, but when i take the opportunity to be still, i see and more importantly feel the dis-ease that tells me now is not the time. but had i stayed rigid in my thinking, in my hoping for a desired end, i would be slaving over english books and budget proposals right now... and would definitely not be traveling.
opportunity is everywhere. the key is to have your eyes and mind open so that you can see them for what they really are. many instances can appear to be an opportunity to achieve a desired end, and we believe it so much that we focus all our energy on it. however, sometimes it really is the opportunity for something else entirely, a different end... one with higher meaning. we can miss it completely while staying rigid in our hope and expectation for our desired end. we even suffer when it doesn't happen, and we think things haven't worked out. ... but when we approach all things with an open mind, a loose idea, there is room for change, room for growth, and the opportunity for Divine to shine through...
i am almost out of money and sincerely want to stay in asia, so i asked Divine to please show me an honorable way to make income. within 48 hours two huge opportunities fell into my lap and i was sure that they were my answer from God. at first i was ecstatic, but the more energy i put into both, the more stressed and unhappy i became. i was so confused as to why Divine would provide me with 2 opportunities that were basically set up to fail... Both positions (teaching english, and being the director of a potential new health spa here in chiang mai) were handed to me with little guidance or definition. Just do it. Just make it happen. Just teach english; "you speak english so no problem, no problem..." oh and by the way we only have a little money.
i jumped at the chance to completely design a new spa and get it up and running because that is right up my alley and i am confident that i could make it very successful... but when the owner hinted at the fact i would not be paid for my work until the business opened i started to feel some dis-ease. he instead introduced me to his friend who owns a private nursing school and within ten minutes, and a lot of thai words that i did not understand, told me i would start teaching english at her school in 2 days... i just has to design a curriculum, lesson plans, homework assignments and tests before hand. the dis-ease grew. i spent that night, and my entire 28th birthday attempting to fulfill these requests and became more panicked as the deadline came closer. the director of the school called and said to just make an easy lesson plan for day 1, "they dont speak any english... just do greetings and numbers etc..." she proceeded to tell me that she would not even be there on day 1 due to a meeting, but that her husband and the permanent teacher would be. when i asked if they could translate for me, she said no because they only speak a little english themselves... the "no-problem" part time job to make a little (and i stress a little) money really began to bug me out. and i still couldnt understand why God would have brought solutions that included so much stress. but on i pushed, doing research on the web, thumbing through ESL english manuals, on my birthday, just so my desired end of making money could come into fruition.
Day 1 arrived and was a complete disaster. i walked into the classroom to find 25 staring faces, whispering in words i couldn't understand, and no sight of the teacher or husband. is this really how the first day of a new job is supposed to go? i began with greetings, to quickly learn that the students already knew them... and everything else i had planned to teach. so much for them not speaking english at all... these kids could even write it. so what the hell was i going to do for the next 2 hours? fortunately i brought my thai phrase book with me and did end up teaching the students some very useful health related words and expressions foreign patients may say to them, but i came home completely drained and depressed. why had i been set up to fail? i tried one more time to make this desired end work, but after doing more research i learned that i should not be responsible for designing the curriculum and other expected materials, unless i was at a University and receiving 5 times the amount i was offered.
Finally it clicked, literally, that this was not about making money, but about taking my power back, and learning how to not give it away. i have a habit of letting myself be taken advantage of, and a habit of not standing up when faced with a potential negative outcome. well, here was the opportunity to do both. I had missed the opportunity to keep my power; I missed the opportunity to ask for more money, or more time before starting to teach so that i could enjoy my birthday...
now i have to take the opportunity to take my power back, and let go of my desired end of making money to stay. in the end, they need me more than i need them. in the end, i dont have to have money now to travel... i can come back. my desire to stay is strong, but i finally realized that staying and working an insane amount of hours between both jobs for very little money was not my solution. i just wanted to make money to travel. so why take jobs that would permanently keep me in chiang mai? i am still a bit sad that i must pass on the spa position, because it has become a dream of mine and seems silly to let it slip through my fingertips, but when i take the opportunity to be still, i see and more importantly feel the dis-ease that tells me now is not the time. but had i stayed rigid in my thinking, in my hoping for a desired end, i would be slaving over english books and budget proposals right now... and would definitely not be traveling.
opportunity is everywhere. the key is to have your eyes and mind open so that you can see them for what they really are. many instances can appear to be an opportunity to achieve a desired end, and we believe it so much that we focus all our energy on it. however, sometimes it really is the opportunity for something else entirely, a different end... one with higher meaning. we can miss it completely while staying rigid in our hope and expectation for our desired end. we even suffer when it doesn't happen, and we think things haven't worked out. ... but when we approach all things with an open mind, a loose idea, there is room for change, room for growth, and the opportunity for Divine to shine through...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Letter to a Teenager
I received a letter from someone i truely care about. and while her words were hurtful at first, i am happy that she wrote it. it took this letter to understand how important guidence really is. i have been fortunate enough to be guided by my wise and incredible mother for most of my life, and by Divine for the past few years. when a souce is ever present, life doesnt seem so bad... because there is always someone to turn to. while Divine is always present, it can seem intangible. it took many years for me to fully cultivate my relationship to Source, and i always had my mom to guide me in the process. but what i never thought about was other people's sourses to Source. sources to guidence. sources to wisdom. i always had mine. but not everyone does. it is because of this letter that i now know more than ever that i am to share my wisdom and guidence with any who are seeking. this blog may serve as a catalyst to do just that, but in truth this process started long ago. but i also realized that i must be a strong woman, and positive guiding light for the children in my life. they are not my own, so i assumed the parents would take on this role. but i understand now that the parents are busy working, heavily stressed, and just plain worn out. they offer all that they can, but for a teenager growing up in todays american culture, its not enough... i am thankful that Divine has presented me with this situation, to learn this lesson, and to begin the process... and i hope my letter to her can help her with hers...
"...one of the reasons i feel such a deep sense of family here is because i dont at home. i am very close with my parents, but thats it. i feel like i have completely lost touch with my brothers and sister in laws. i take any time i can get with uncle ryan, which is minimal at best, but outside of holidays and the kids birthdays (we barely gather for our own anymore which sucks) we never see each other. i agree that this is lacking. i have waited almost 28 years to feel like i belong somewhere. i have felt lost and alone for most of my life. even though i was always surrounded by people. no one ever really knew me, or understood me. i allowed myself to adapt to others to ensure people would like me, but i lost myself in the process. i didnt have my own voice. it took a wild, intense, and chaotic 2007 to spark the change, and took coming to thailand to truely feel like i belong. finally i know who i am. finally i like myself. finally i have my own voice, and whats better, i have something to say. it took a long time for me to figure this all out... and what it really took was my deeper connection with Divine. it is only because of this that everything in my life started to make sense and fall into place. i have never been so happy. i know it seems intangible to have a relationship with God, but its not. and when we learn how to cultivate it, the energy stirred is intoxicating. you feel good, and life starts to get easier. i'd be happy to explain if you are interested... and i would love for to read my blog. i think it will help you to understand a lot of things. many people tell me it gives them inspiration. it causes me pain that you are in pain. originally it was your words that hurt, but they do not any longer. what hurts is that you are in pain and you have no tools to handle it. and how could you? your family is not really present. and i am sorry that i have not been more present in your life. but from now on i will be. i may live in asia the next few years, but skype is a beautiful thing. the only reason i have gotten through the many trials and tribulations of my life are because of my mother. and i know that your relationship with your mom still lacks of guidence. nana has been through more in her life time than you can possibly imagine, and her wisdom is highly valued by everyone that knows her. she has passed a lot of it on to me and we both want to share it with you. we both want to be strong women in your life and i am sorry that it has taken all of this to make that start to happen. but it will now. the fog will start to clear for you sweetheart. there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes it just feels so far away that we forget that its there. we must remind ourselves, and bring a candle, to be our own light. and without the guidence and wisdom to spark the match, darkness can consume us. while i know this is the hardest your life has ever been, let that be your motivation to start seeking now. seek to cultivate. seek to understand. seek to have purpose. we were not put on this earth to slave away our lives, working to pay for shit that we dont need. there is so much more to life. take charge and find it. you dont have to get stuck in the grind. dig deep, and get out. that doesnt mean abandoning everything, but choose to let Divine lead the way... so you can have faith that all is how it should be. and that everything has a reason. look for the meanings. look for the lessons. look for the positive things in every situation. and find ways to always choose happiness. no one can take it from us if we do not let them. and that doesnt mean that shitty things wont happen. but there is always something to be thankful for. there is always something to bless. there is always God..."
"...one of the reasons i feel such a deep sense of family here is because i dont at home. i am very close with my parents, but thats it. i feel like i have completely lost touch with my brothers and sister in laws. i take any time i can get with uncle ryan, which is minimal at best, but outside of holidays and the kids birthdays (we barely gather for our own anymore which sucks) we never see each other. i agree that this is lacking. i have waited almost 28 years to feel like i belong somewhere. i have felt lost and alone for most of my life. even though i was always surrounded by people. no one ever really knew me, or understood me. i allowed myself to adapt to others to ensure people would like me, but i lost myself in the process. i didnt have my own voice. it took a wild, intense, and chaotic 2007 to spark the change, and took coming to thailand to truely feel like i belong. finally i know who i am. finally i like myself. finally i have my own voice, and whats better, i have something to say. it took a long time for me to figure this all out... and what it really took was my deeper connection with Divine. it is only because of this that everything in my life started to make sense and fall into place. i have never been so happy. i know it seems intangible to have a relationship with God, but its not. and when we learn how to cultivate it, the energy stirred is intoxicating. you feel good, and life starts to get easier. i'd be happy to explain if you are interested... and i would love for to read my blog. i think it will help you to understand a lot of things. many people tell me it gives them inspiration. it causes me pain that you are in pain. originally it was your words that hurt, but they do not any longer. what hurts is that you are in pain and you have no tools to handle it. and how could you? your family is not really present. and i am sorry that i have not been more present in your life. but from now on i will be. i may live in asia the next few years, but skype is a beautiful thing. the only reason i have gotten through the many trials and tribulations of my life are because of my mother. and i know that your relationship with your mom still lacks of guidence. nana has been through more in her life time than you can possibly imagine, and her wisdom is highly valued by everyone that knows her. she has passed a lot of it on to me and we both want to share it with you. we both want to be strong women in your life and i am sorry that it has taken all of this to make that start to happen. but it will now. the fog will start to clear for you sweetheart. there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes it just feels so far away that we forget that its there. we must remind ourselves, and bring a candle, to be our own light. and without the guidence and wisdom to spark the match, darkness can consume us. while i know this is the hardest your life has ever been, let that be your motivation to start seeking now. seek to cultivate. seek to understand. seek to have purpose. we were not put on this earth to slave away our lives, working to pay for shit that we dont need. there is so much more to life. take charge and find it. you dont have to get stuck in the grind. dig deep, and get out. that doesnt mean abandoning everything, but choose to let Divine lead the way... so you can have faith that all is how it should be. and that everything has a reason. look for the meanings. look for the lessons. look for the positive things in every situation. and find ways to always choose happiness. no one can take it from us if we do not let them. and that doesnt mean that shitty things wont happen. but there is always something to be thankful for. there is always something to bless. there is always God..."
"Same, Same... but Different"
The quote "same, same, but different" is used often in the country of thailand, and apparently other asian cultures as well. it took a good 6 weeks before i understood the meaning, but i now realize that this saying is perfect for many situations. throughout many discussions with my new friends here, it is evident that there are so many similarities between cultures, even with their differences. for instance, ricardo, clara, and i were discussing drug use in high school and in general. all three of us smoked pot for the majority of our senior year of high school, and the latter part of our teenage years. we shared crazy stories and reasons for our experimentation. and even though they were in spain, and i was in the US, it was the same... same, same, but different. what i loved most about this conversation was the agreement in conclusions about experimenting: that we learned a lot about ourselves and the world while intoxicated, and would never take it back, but that it eventually must be put aside so we can get on with our lives, and put that information to use. and we all agreed that it is because of this that we are all here in thailand now... drugs helped smooth the transition of our ego minds into a deeper realm of thinking and connection, but once the connection was made, the drugs were no longer needed. we all have stories of friends or loved ones who went "too far down the rabbit hole" and now are addicted to drugs, or are convinced that the only way to this connection is through them. but fortunately, we knew our limits, knew when the slope was too slippery, and most importantly, learned how to connect without them. and through this connection, now on a sober level, we were led to thailand to gain more wisdom and knowledge. some for various reason but either way... same, same, but different.
i have also listened to stories from my friends who grew up in countries where terror is the norm. ayala shared numerous situations growing up in israel where suicide bombers blew up before her eyes, killing many in their wake. joyce told me about her armed body guard in pakistan that protects her on the rare occasions she leaves her home. she jumped when a tuk-tuk backfired while passing us on the street and said, "oh! i thought it was another bomb! before i left for thailand my house shook when a suicide bomber tried to get through our front gate, and blew up when the security tried to stop him..." while the countries are different, the theme is the same... fear, oppression, and chaos... same, same, but different...
listening to their stories opened my eyes in more ways than i can explain. while i've always known these horrible things happen, and that i am fortunate i grew up in a country where they are at a minimum, meeting people that have lived through it strikes the nerve of appreciation and discust for the american culture. while we are fortunate not to live in these fears, it is amost just as damaging to keep us blindfolded to the reality of what is going on in the world. the people i have met while traveling are much wiser for their age than the typical american. they have a better grip on the world as a whole. americans have a grip on the next american idle and brittney spear's love life. the media, no doubtably truely controlled by the government, flashes glimpses of world events in the first 30 seconds of a news broadcast, before barrading us with consumer products... "war breaks out in the middle east, but first a word from our sponser... cover up those gray hairs with new l'oreal highlight 2 in 1 treatment..." like, yeah there is a whole bunch of really bad shit going on out there, but you are helpless to do anything about it so, make yourself feel better and buy my product... like zombies, the american society works and consumes, works and consumes... with very little knowledge or understanding of what is really going on.
a friend once asked me, "if ignorance is bliss, then i am i so damn curious?" my response, which i think relates to my previous statement was this, "ignorance lacks knowledge. curiosity seeks it. but sometimes truth can knock us off our cloud 9." so maybe not knowing the realities and complexities of the world can keep our head in the clouds, but the lack of knowledge keeps our feet from touching the ground. we grow lazy and unappreciative. we expect things to be given freely, and are always ready to blame everyone else but ourselves for our hardships. while i am not saying that we must engulf ourselves in world affairs, or focus on the many problems at hand, we must take it all in to gain perspective. when we are zoomed in it can feel like a tidal wave is crashing all around us... but when we zoom out, we see it is merely a tear drop rippiling in a puddle. we allow trivial notions and interactions to govern our responses to life, but we must step back and view everything as a whole. these things are a sliver of the pie. there is so much more to learn, to know, to feel, to be. if our society continues on its path to the biggest house, with the best car, and most toys, in the end our lives will all be... same, same, but different...
i have also listened to stories from my friends who grew up in countries where terror is the norm. ayala shared numerous situations growing up in israel where suicide bombers blew up before her eyes, killing many in their wake. joyce told me about her armed body guard in pakistan that protects her on the rare occasions she leaves her home. she jumped when a tuk-tuk backfired while passing us on the street and said, "oh! i thought it was another bomb! before i left for thailand my house shook when a suicide bomber tried to get through our front gate, and blew up when the security tried to stop him..." while the countries are different, the theme is the same... fear, oppression, and chaos... same, same, but different...
listening to their stories opened my eyes in more ways than i can explain. while i've always known these horrible things happen, and that i am fortunate i grew up in a country where they are at a minimum, meeting people that have lived through it strikes the nerve of appreciation and discust for the american culture. while we are fortunate not to live in these fears, it is amost just as damaging to keep us blindfolded to the reality of what is going on in the world. the people i have met while traveling are much wiser for their age than the typical american. they have a better grip on the world as a whole. americans have a grip on the next american idle and brittney spear's love life. the media, no doubtably truely controlled by the government, flashes glimpses of world events in the first 30 seconds of a news broadcast, before barrading us with consumer products... "war breaks out in the middle east, but first a word from our sponser... cover up those gray hairs with new l'oreal highlight 2 in 1 treatment..." like, yeah there is a whole bunch of really bad shit going on out there, but you are helpless to do anything about it so, make yourself feel better and buy my product... like zombies, the american society works and consumes, works and consumes... with very little knowledge or understanding of what is really going on.
a friend once asked me, "if ignorance is bliss, then i am i so damn curious?" my response, which i think relates to my previous statement was this, "ignorance lacks knowledge. curiosity seeks it. but sometimes truth can knock us off our cloud 9." so maybe not knowing the realities and complexities of the world can keep our head in the clouds, but the lack of knowledge keeps our feet from touching the ground. we grow lazy and unappreciative. we expect things to be given freely, and are always ready to blame everyone else but ourselves for our hardships. while i am not saying that we must engulf ourselves in world affairs, or focus on the many problems at hand, we must take it all in to gain perspective. when we are zoomed in it can feel like a tidal wave is crashing all around us... but when we zoom out, we see it is merely a tear drop rippiling in a puddle. we allow trivial notions and interactions to govern our responses to life, but we must step back and view everything as a whole. these things are a sliver of the pie. there is so much more to learn, to know, to feel, to be. if our society continues on its path to the biggest house, with the best car, and most toys, in the end our lives will all be... same, same, but different...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Even Pardise can feel Lonely...
Th past few days have been hard. While i know i am here for a reason, the reason has been somewhat undefined... and now somewhat revealed. Many of my friends have finished school and have returned home... leaving me by myself. I do have a few friends left that are in my 10 week program, but its not the same. Paradise is easy when you have plenty of people to share it with, but even Pardise can feel lonely. I began missing home more and more lately, but full knowing it is not home that i miss, its the contact with my friends and family. While in a lull, it is easy for the mind to run amok. And then it occured to me... the first true purpose of this trip is to become completely comfortable by myself.
I have always been "a social butterfly" as my mother calls it, filling my time with friends, and when no one was around, anything to keep myself busy. I have no idea how to just... be. The stress of school, and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness wreaked havoc on my body the past week, with headaches, unrestful sleep, and emotional outbursts. How can i possibly feel so all alone??... but it has dawned on me that i am never really alone, for Divine is always closer than my breath. My first true purpose is to cultivate the relationship within so that i can be compfortable when there is no one else around... beacuse there is always God. While the presence of Divine is always easy to feel when times are good, it is even more important to focus on that presence when things are, well, shitty. How can i ever truely help others if i cannot first help myself? First i must learn how to nuture myself from the Divine within...
Everyone gets lonely sometimes, me especially, but we are never truely alone. When it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and there is no one to pass it off to, just remember that there is always God. We are not meant to ever go through life alone... even when there is no one in sight... because Divine is within and always present. It is only now that i feel i can continue on my path of enlightment, because even though no one walks besides me, God is always inside of me.
I have always been "a social butterfly" as my mother calls it, filling my time with friends, and when no one was around, anything to keep myself busy. I have no idea how to just... be. The stress of school, and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness wreaked havoc on my body the past week, with headaches, unrestful sleep, and emotional outbursts. How can i possibly feel so all alone??... but it has dawned on me that i am never really alone, for Divine is always closer than my breath. My first true purpose is to cultivate the relationship within so that i can be compfortable when there is no one else around... beacuse there is always God. While the presence of Divine is always easy to feel when times are good, it is even more important to focus on that presence when things are, well, shitty. How can i ever truely help others if i cannot first help myself? First i must learn how to nuture myself from the Divine within...
Everyone gets lonely sometimes, me especially, but we are never truely alone. When it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and there is no one to pass it off to, just remember that there is always God. We are not meant to ever go through life alone... even when there is no one in sight... because Divine is within and always present. It is only now that i feel i can continue on my path of enlightment, because even though no one walks besides me, God is always inside of me.
Friday, May 22, 2009
"Divine Clicking"
I consider myself fortunate for many reasons, but first and foremost is my connection with Divine. Though i have always felt some connection, it has been strengthened in the past 5 years and now guides my every move. How do i know that i am going in the right direction?... by the audible sound of a "click" (as opposed to a sound in my head). I began hearing them many years ago, but did not realize the significance and timing of the "click" until 2005.
I was a "super senior" in college and was laying dizzily on my bathroom floor. The small room was spinning out of control, the result of way too much alcohol, and i prayed over and over again "please make it go away... i promise to never drink this much again..." While these pleas are common to many college kids after a heavy night of partying, never before had i heard of the prayer being answered in such a way... I said the words repeatidly, like a mantra, until all of a sudden i heard the loudest "click" i have ever heard. At that exact moment, my eyes flew open, my torso popped up, and i realized i was dead sober. The next thought that entered my mind was surely not my own, "i did my part... now you do yours..." And i can say honestly that i have never drank that much again since. But, what an amazing thing, to be drunken beyond all recognition in one moment, and stone-cold sober in the next. How on earth is that possible?? Well... it wasnt earth; it was Divine.
It was only then that i started noticing that the "clicks" were heard (and not just by me; any friend in proximity to me during one of my "clicks" hears it too) after a deep thought, question, or epiphany as if answering "YES!" Over the past 5 years the "clicks" have come more often, which i can only assume is to due with my own deepining connection to Source. The volume of the "clicks" varies too; the loudest arriving during the greatest realizations. But still, i only heard these "clicks" when i was truely connected and in vibration with Divine, which some days was harder than others... until now...
Since my arrival to Thailand, i have heard yes-answering "clicks" with almost every thought, whether profound or mundane, which leads me to conclude that I am ALWAYS in vibration here. I am sitting here smiling because as i just typed the last sentence i heard yet another "click" confirming this conclusion. It doesnt matter where i am: inside, outside, in a car, in my room, in school, on a plane, or at a friend's... the "clicks" can be heard... and again, i've just heard another...
I feel truely blessed for this connection, and for the awesomeness of immediate guidance with every thought. This is one of the reasons i was brave enough to travel to the other side of the world, alone, to a country that i do not (or did not) speak the language... because not only did i hear the clicks agreeing that it was time to come, but knew that i would still be guided while here, every step of the way. I have no fear. I trust completely... and they have not failed me yet. Sometimes the answer of YES is so strong that my head nod's involintarily, like Divine moved it for me. The latter usually only occurs when i am deep in prayer, but nonetheless my answer is made clear.
While i have never heard of another person having such an experience as "Divine clicks" i am sure that each has the ability to connect deeply and have their answers be known. The sweet voice inside each of our minds, while still sounding like our own, that only speaks with compassion and kindness, is Divine leading the way. Cartoons portray this conciousness as an angel on one shoulder, with a devil on the other. Even before my clicking i realized that it is not an angel and a devil, but Divine and our own ego. The tug-of-war that goes on in our head everyday with nearly every desicion, especially those of temptation, is simply Divine trying to lead our souls in the heavenly direction. Do yourself a favor and become more aware of the flipity-flop of thoughts in your own mind. Is there not one side that wants what it wants, regardless to the outcomes it may bring, while the other suggests what you already inevitably know is the right decision to make? Ego and Divine. Pay attention. And try to follow the compassionate one... you will not be led astray... and after a short journey on that path, the connection and vibration will strengthen, giving way to all the answers you will need for a happy and peaceful life... For I am proof.
I was a "super senior" in college and was laying dizzily on my bathroom floor. The small room was spinning out of control, the result of way too much alcohol, and i prayed over and over again "please make it go away... i promise to never drink this much again..." While these pleas are common to many college kids after a heavy night of partying, never before had i heard of the prayer being answered in such a way... I said the words repeatidly, like a mantra, until all of a sudden i heard the loudest "click" i have ever heard. At that exact moment, my eyes flew open, my torso popped up, and i realized i was dead sober. The next thought that entered my mind was surely not my own, "i did my part... now you do yours..." And i can say honestly that i have never drank that much again since. But, what an amazing thing, to be drunken beyond all recognition in one moment, and stone-cold sober in the next. How on earth is that possible?? Well... it wasnt earth; it was Divine.
It was only then that i started noticing that the "clicks" were heard (and not just by me; any friend in proximity to me during one of my "clicks" hears it too) after a deep thought, question, or epiphany as if answering "YES!" Over the past 5 years the "clicks" have come more often, which i can only assume is to due with my own deepining connection to Source. The volume of the "clicks" varies too; the loudest arriving during the greatest realizations. But still, i only heard these "clicks" when i was truely connected and in vibration with Divine, which some days was harder than others... until now...
Since my arrival to Thailand, i have heard yes-answering "clicks" with almost every thought, whether profound or mundane, which leads me to conclude that I am ALWAYS in vibration here. I am sitting here smiling because as i just typed the last sentence i heard yet another "click" confirming this conclusion. It doesnt matter where i am: inside, outside, in a car, in my room, in school, on a plane, or at a friend's... the "clicks" can be heard... and again, i've just heard another...
I feel truely blessed for this connection, and for the awesomeness of immediate guidance with every thought. This is one of the reasons i was brave enough to travel to the other side of the world, alone, to a country that i do not (or did not) speak the language... because not only did i hear the clicks agreeing that it was time to come, but knew that i would still be guided while here, every step of the way. I have no fear. I trust completely... and they have not failed me yet. Sometimes the answer of YES is so strong that my head nod's involintarily, like Divine moved it for me. The latter usually only occurs when i am deep in prayer, but nonetheless my answer is made clear.
While i have never heard of another person having such an experience as "Divine clicks" i am sure that each has the ability to connect deeply and have their answers be known. The sweet voice inside each of our minds, while still sounding like our own, that only speaks with compassion and kindness, is Divine leading the way. Cartoons portray this conciousness as an angel on one shoulder, with a devil on the other. Even before my clicking i realized that it is not an angel and a devil, but Divine and our own ego. The tug-of-war that goes on in our head everyday with nearly every desicion, especially those of temptation, is simply Divine trying to lead our souls in the heavenly direction. Do yourself a favor and become more aware of the flipity-flop of thoughts in your own mind. Is there not one side that wants what it wants, regardless to the outcomes it may bring, while the other suggests what you already inevitably know is the right decision to make? Ego and Divine. Pay attention. And try to follow the compassionate one... you will not be led astray... and after a short journey on that path, the connection and vibration will strengthen, giving way to all the answers you will need for a happy and peaceful life... For I am proof.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Coffee Club
Though taking a nap during our hour and fifteen minutes lunch break seems customary, a few of us started a new tradition of getting coffee in the market across the street from school. It started one day when i was exhausted and knew that a short nap would only make me more tired so i left the school in hopes to find caffine. What i found was an addorable coffee shop with, my favorite, a porch with outside seating. It did not take long for others to catch on when they saw how refreshed i was to start our afternoon session. There are now a permanent 6, and occasional 9, of us who go everyday at noon for the best coffee we have found in Thailand yet...
The sweet owner Hum started preparing "our section" everyday with a fan (Thailand is hot as hell, especially at noon) and ashtrays. When our group grew larger than the porch could hold, she built a patio beyond it just so we could all sit together outside! Talk about customer service! She also knows now by heart what we each get and has it started before we even arrive. One day we were running late and she said that she can bring them to school for us if we ever do not have time to come... This is the way of the Thai. I feel like this would never happen in America, except for maybe some small town in the middle of no where.
But what is even better are the conversations had over coffee. There is no talk of the weather or trivial matters such as complaints or what we did over the weekend. Instead we have deep discussions about the world, politics, terror (many are from countries that live in fear everyday), culture, spirituality, and healing... just to name a few. Todays discussion, for example, was on reincarnation and past lives. Many of us are very "in tune" and are not only sensitive to energy, but intuitive in the most amazing ways. Several of us have done "regression therapy" in which you are put into a dream like state and get information on your souls past lives. A few are so in tune that they were aware of it by themselves at a very young age, only to have it confirmed later in regression therapies or by clairvoient people. The energy around our table alone throughout the conversation gave each of us goosebumps.
This was so spectacular to me. I have very few people in my life in America that i can have these type of discussions with. Most people dont even believe in reincarnation, and yet there i sat with 6 of my friends listening to each of them describe what they know from their lives before this one. The story that gave me the biggest smile, and the most goosbumps, was Clarence's lives and the kindred spirits he has been traveling with throughout each one. He was a pilgrim in the days of the "discovery of America" and became very good friends with a native american, which was forbidden. They promised to meet again, and the native's soul now lives in his Son. In another life he was an aristocrat in London and in love with his servent, but was forbidden to have a relationship with her. After seeing a clarvoient "spiritual artist" recently who draws the guardian angel and other spirits that are linked to your soul, she drew a picture of a young woman... the servent! The artist said the woman has already joined him in this life. When he got home his 5 year old daughter saw the drawing and said, "thats me daddy!" She knew nothing of where her father had just been or how the drawing had come about, but upon one look at the picture she said over and over that it was her. How amazing!
I have known for a long time that i was asian in another life, and i look forward to getting more inforation about it. The moment i got here i felt completely at home... more so than in America. I now realize that my everyday habbits and tendacies, even since i was a little girl, like bowing when saying thank you and being barefoot whenever possible, are characteristic of Asians, especially the Thai. A man said to me last week that I speak Thai very well, with almost no accent (which is damn hard to do- this language is tonal and very difficult) and that i must have spoken it in another life. It was so funny he should happen to say that, considering i have always thought that. I had to smile. I hope to find a regression therapist soon and gain more knowledge about my past life here. The thought alone resonates so deep in my soul that i have no doubt that it is true. I have been saying it for a long time, while my friends at home laughed (at least in a loving way), yet there i sat with 6 other people who believed me and had even more experiences! I knew i wasnt crazy!
I said it before and I'll say it again: I am so fortunate for my deep connection with Source and the way Divine is always taking care of me... giving me knew information, confirming with "clicks" (to be explained in my next post), and leading the way with every step i take. My own self confidence and wisdom grows every day here, and i am so thankful in every moment. To think this powerful journey would not have happened if i got married last year... And though i never doubted it, it just goes to show that EVERYTHING happens for a reason...
The sweet owner Hum started preparing "our section" everyday with a fan (Thailand is hot as hell, especially at noon) and ashtrays. When our group grew larger than the porch could hold, she built a patio beyond it just so we could all sit together outside! Talk about customer service! She also knows now by heart what we each get and has it started before we even arrive. One day we were running late and she said that she can bring them to school for us if we ever do not have time to come... This is the way of the Thai. I feel like this would never happen in America, except for maybe some small town in the middle of no where.
But what is even better are the conversations had over coffee. There is no talk of the weather or trivial matters such as complaints or what we did over the weekend. Instead we have deep discussions about the world, politics, terror (many are from countries that live in fear everyday), culture, spirituality, and healing... just to name a few. Todays discussion, for example, was on reincarnation and past lives. Many of us are very "in tune" and are not only sensitive to energy, but intuitive in the most amazing ways. Several of us have done "regression therapy" in which you are put into a dream like state and get information on your souls past lives. A few are so in tune that they were aware of it by themselves at a very young age, only to have it confirmed later in regression therapies or by clairvoient people. The energy around our table alone throughout the conversation gave each of us goosebumps.
This was so spectacular to me. I have very few people in my life in America that i can have these type of discussions with. Most people dont even believe in reincarnation, and yet there i sat with 6 of my friends listening to each of them describe what they know from their lives before this one. The story that gave me the biggest smile, and the most goosbumps, was Clarence's lives and the kindred spirits he has been traveling with throughout each one. He was a pilgrim in the days of the "discovery of America" and became very good friends with a native american, which was forbidden. They promised to meet again, and the native's soul now lives in his Son. In another life he was an aristocrat in London and in love with his servent, but was forbidden to have a relationship with her. After seeing a clarvoient "spiritual artist" recently who draws the guardian angel and other spirits that are linked to your soul, she drew a picture of a young woman... the servent! The artist said the woman has already joined him in this life. When he got home his 5 year old daughter saw the drawing and said, "thats me daddy!" She knew nothing of where her father had just been or how the drawing had come about, but upon one look at the picture she said over and over that it was her. How amazing!
I have known for a long time that i was asian in another life, and i look forward to getting more inforation about it. The moment i got here i felt completely at home... more so than in America. I now realize that my everyday habbits and tendacies, even since i was a little girl, like bowing when saying thank you and being barefoot whenever possible, are characteristic of Asians, especially the Thai. A man said to me last week that I speak Thai very well, with almost no accent (which is damn hard to do- this language is tonal and very difficult) and that i must have spoken it in another life. It was so funny he should happen to say that, considering i have always thought that. I had to smile. I hope to find a regression therapist soon and gain more knowledge about my past life here. The thought alone resonates so deep in my soul that i have no doubt that it is true. I have been saying it for a long time, while my friends at home laughed (at least in a loving way), yet there i sat with 6 other people who believed me and had even more experiences! I knew i wasnt crazy!
I said it before and I'll say it again: I am so fortunate for my deep connection with Source and the way Divine is always taking care of me... giving me knew information, confirming with "clicks" (to be explained in my next post), and leading the way with every step i take. My own self confidence and wisdom grows every day here, and i am so thankful in every moment. To think this powerful journey would not have happened if i got married last year... And though i never doubted it, it just goes to show that EVERYTHING happens for a reason...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My new Family
I returned from Phuket on Sunday and realized for the first time in 5 years it was a school night. The feeling was strange but i eagerly awaited making new friends and learning the ancient art and healing practice of Thai Massage. I am so fortunate that Divine led me to The Chaba House (my guest house), not only for its beauty and peace, but for it housed 11 other students of my school. Little did i know that these people would quickly become my new family.
It only took a few days for the bonds between us to grow deep, as if we had known each other our whole lives. It has been such a growing experience to listen to everyones life stories and lessons, especially since they come from all over the world. Only one other is from America and it has been so amazing to learn more about the cultures of Spain, UK, Togo, Germany, Chec Republic, Hungary, Chili, Lebanon and Astonia. Everyone at school heard us talk about how much fun we have at the Chaba House and did not take long for some to decide to leave their guest houses and join ours. We dont even bother to lock our doors anymore because we would never steal from our new family. In some way I feel like I am in college again and this is our new dorm.
What is even more powerful is that i finally feel like i belong somewhere. My whole life i have tried to fit in, changing like a chomelian to belong... eventually so much that i lost myself in the process. In the last few months before leaving for Thailand i found myself again and became more aware that the States were not harmonious with me presently. My deep spirituality, kindness, and brilliance are percieved by many as weird and some have the delusion that i think i am somehow better than them... which is very far from the truth. But the fact remained that it was time to leave and let Divine lead the way.
This international school drawls people like me who are interested in healing and helping others. Finally, I am surrounded by people who our on the same wavelength and do not look at me with judging eyes when speaking on a deep level. My very good friend Matthew from the UK and I are very similar and it has been an honor and priviledge to listen to his spiritual and educational journey so far. We both agree that Divine has made our paths cross for a reason, and we continue to explore each others knowledge and ideas of spirituality and the powers of the universe. New waves of possibilites and opportunities enter my mind through our conversations, and for this i am blessed and thankful.
Ricardo and Clara, a sweet couple from Spain, are two other close friends that i grew to love in no time flat. We've learned much about each others culture and talk at length of society and its effects on the individual. We have similar dreams of traveling and healing, and speak of our hopes of how to do both in the near future. Ricardo is also a beautiful artist. It is fun to have someone else drawing to study, which i always did for neuroscience. Together we learn as we draw bodies with Sen Sib lines for better understanding of theraputic Thai massage. Our other "roommates" study our work and agree it helps put things into perspective. We help one another in every way we can and would go to the ends of the earth for each other. I feel as if we are all old souls that have been together in another life.
I have learned much from my new family and thank Divine everyday for bringing them into my life. These are the types of friendships that really will last a life time. Plans to visit one anothers countries are already in the works and i know without a doubt that they will be followed through to become a reality. I am so happy to be here. So happy to make these new friends. So happy to belong. So happy to gain knowledge and expand as a person. I have learned more about myself in one month in Thailand then in 27 years in the US. A smile beams from my face at the thought of how much i will learn and grow in the next few months, hopefully years, as i continue my journey and adventure through Asia... this is only the beginning...
It only took a few days for the bonds between us to grow deep, as if we had known each other our whole lives. It has been such a growing experience to listen to everyones life stories and lessons, especially since they come from all over the world. Only one other is from America and it has been so amazing to learn more about the cultures of Spain, UK, Togo, Germany, Chec Republic, Hungary, Chili, Lebanon and Astonia. Everyone at school heard us talk about how much fun we have at the Chaba House and did not take long for some to decide to leave their guest houses and join ours. We dont even bother to lock our doors anymore because we would never steal from our new family. In some way I feel like I am in college again and this is our new dorm.
What is even more powerful is that i finally feel like i belong somewhere. My whole life i have tried to fit in, changing like a chomelian to belong... eventually so much that i lost myself in the process. In the last few months before leaving for Thailand i found myself again and became more aware that the States were not harmonious with me presently. My deep spirituality, kindness, and brilliance are percieved by many as weird and some have the delusion that i think i am somehow better than them... which is very far from the truth. But the fact remained that it was time to leave and let Divine lead the way.
This international school drawls people like me who are interested in healing and helping others. Finally, I am surrounded by people who our on the same wavelength and do not look at me with judging eyes when speaking on a deep level. My very good friend Matthew from the UK and I are very similar and it has been an honor and priviledge to listen to his spiritual and educational journey so far. We both agree that Divine has made our paths cross for a reason, and we continue to explore each others knowledge and ideas of spirituality and the powers of the universe. New waves of possibilites and opportunities enter my mind through our conversations, and for this i am blessed and thankful.
Ricardo and Clara, a sweet couple from Spain, are two other close friends that i grew to love in no time flat. We've learned much about each others culture and talk at length of society and its effects on the individual. We have similar dreams of traveling and healing, and speak of our hopes of how to do both in the near future. Ricardo is also a beautiful artist. It is fun to have someone else drawing to study, which i always did for neuroscience. Together we learn as we draw bodies with Sen Sib lines for better understanding of theraputic Thai massage. Our other "roommates" study our work and agree it helps put things into perspective. We help one another in every way we can and would go to the ends of the earth for each other. I feel as if we are all old souls that have been together in another life.
I have learned much from my new family and thank Divine everyday for bringing them into my life. These are the types of friendships that really will last a life time. Plans to visit one anothers countries are already in the works and i know without a doubt that they will be followed through to become a reality. I am so happy to be here. So happy to make these new friends. So happy to belong. So happy to gain knowledge and expand as a person. I have learned more about myself in one month in Thailand then in 27 years in the US. A smile beams from my face at the thought of how much i will learn and grow in the next few months, hopefully years, as i continue my journey and adventure through Asia... this is only the beginning...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Paradise Found
I am a firm beliver in that you must go through hell to understand heaven... My trip to Phuket was a similar scenario. After 3 days of disappointement, we finally found what we were looking for. A small, non tourist town off of Ao Yang and Cape Panwa finally showed us what the real Phuket beaches looked like. Tourquoise water, white sand beaches, lush green mountains, and a sense of peace like no other. We made it to Sheridan's ship and spent the night. The day was filled with swimming and diving off of various high points on the ship.. and eventually work. It is hard to watch people work before finally saying "what can i do to help?" So Matt and i got our hands dirty, literally, and disassembled and cleaned whinch gears. Let me tell you what a pleasure it is to smell like diseal fuel for 3 days... ok, that is sarcasm but it is true the smell lingers for days at a time. In the end we didnt mind because we were learning something new, and doing our part to repay them for their generosity.
After a lovely "ship-made" (as opposed to "home-made") meal we retired the daylight with Pilaties on the bow at sunset. It was such a moving experience... mentally, spiritually, and physically... Tree is a much harder position to hold when the ground you stand on moves with the ocean tide. Divine has been so present on this entire journey, but even more so in that moment. The colors of the sky changed every second from oranges, pink, and purple. The beautiful white 150 meter (approx 450 feet) Buddha perched up high on the mountain side seemed to be peering down at us, blessing us with every breath we took. I was so proud of Matt and Sheridan for stepping outside of their comfort zones and tying pilaties and meditation. And even more proud to hear how much peace they felt and their interest to continue this practice.
This trip has had such a beautiful unfolding. Once expectations were let go, and the decision to simply go with the flow was made, everything seemed to fall into place... and in a better way then i could have ever planned myself. The precense of Divine is everywhere and the more open i became, the more i became aware. The sunset in Nia Yang on our last night in Phuket was probably the most aware i had become so far in Thailand. The colors changed every moment, reflecting beautiful colored shimmers off the lapping ocean. Thai and travelers alike sat in silence and aww along the shore as the ball of fire dropped below the horizon, as if the "Amen" of a beautiful prayer the sky had just said. I will never forget how i felt in those moments... the smile radiating from my face, and tears sneaking down my tanned cheeks. Now more than ever i was aware i have come here for a reason and all is really well, even in its lack of definition. A calm swept over my body, soul, and mind and i was at peace. It became abundantly clear that paradise is not a place, but a feeling within ourselves that must be released and savored in its magnificance. We are all capable of finding it... the question is are we willing...
After a lovely "ship-made" (as opposed to "home-made") meal we retired the daylight with Pilaties on the bow at sunset. It was such a moving experience... mentally, spiritually, and physically... Tree is a much harder position to hold when the ground you stand on moves with the ocean tide. Divine has been so present on this entire journey, but even more so in that moment. The colors of the sky changed every second from oranges, pink, and purple. The beautiful white 150 meter (approx 450 feet) Buddha perched up high on the mountain side seemed to be peering down at us, blessing us with every breath we took. I was so proud of Matt and Sheridan for stepping outside of their comfort zones and tying pilaties and meditation. And even more proud to hear how much peace they felt and their interest to continue this practice.
This trip has had such a beautiful unfolding. Once expectations were let go, and the decision to simply go with the flow was made, everything seemed to fall into place... and in a better way then i could have ever planned myself. The precense of Divine is everywhere and the more open i became, the more i became aware. The sunset in Nia Yang on our last night in Phuket was probably the most aware i had become so far in Thailand. The colors changed every moment, reflecting beautiful colored shimmers off the lapping ocean. Thai and travelers alike sat in silence and aww along the shore as the ball of fire dropped below the horizon, as if the "Amen" of a beautiful prayer the sky had just said. I will never forget how i felt in those moments... the smile radiating from my face, and tears sneaking down my tanned cheeks. Now more than ever i was aware i have come here for a reason and all is really well, even in its lack of definition. A calm swept over my body, soul, and mind and i was at peace. It became abundantly clear that paradise is not a place, but a feeling within ourselves that must be released and savored in its magnificance. We are all capable of finding it... the question is are we willing...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Phuket
There's nothing like "Wingin' it" in a foreign country where you barely speak the language... We booked our tickets and flew from Chiang Mai to Phuket. Other than the flight, we knew nothing. No idea where to go, where to sleep, what to do... while a little scary, it was empowering to get off the plane and think "ok, so now what? guess we will figure it out..." All i knew was my friend Sheridan that we were supposed to meet up with took a cab 45 minutes south of the airport. No idea of the town, hotel... nothing. So we caught a mini-mus to Patong which is 45 minutes south, and crossed our fingers.
Patong has a thriving night life full of bars, drunk foreigners, late night shops and massage parlors the size of a shoe box, and miles of tuk-tuk (cab) drivers lining the streets trying to get you to take a ride.
Lesson number 1: Dont be afraid to negotiate.
Nothing has a set price accept for bars... everything is negotiable. And the starting price is usually double or triple of the lowest price they will take. Of course, the price is so cheap compared to the States, you almost feel bad negotiating... but dont. As soon as they see you as a "tourist" they are taking you for a sucker. At least in these tourist areas they speak some English...
The beach was narrow and littered with trash, but the temperature was warm in the no-wave ocean. The water just lapped the shore, occasionaly beaching a beer bottle or cigarette butt. With no word from Sheridan, we decided in the morning to head to another beach town and try to find the "Paradise" everyone talks about when mentioning Thailand Beaches. Of course, what we found next made Patong look like a sanctuary...
We took a taxi for an hour to Phuket City to catch the 3:00 ferry to Ko Phi Phi. The ferry ride was 2 hours and beautiful the entire way. Islands pop up out of no where, with high steep cliffs and no beaches to go ashore. Most are uninhabited by humans simply because there is no way onto them. The land forms are crazy and steep, and it is hard to imagine how they formed in the first place. With high hopes to see Ko Phi Phi, the place they filmed Leonardo Dicaprio's movie "The Beach", we excitingly awaited our arrival... Too bad it was nothing like the movie. Ko Phi Phi is actually two islands. The larger is Phi Phi Don, where the ferry drops you off, and the smaller that the movie was filmed is Phi Phi Lay. However, the later is only visited by a tour boat and there are no hotels or town to stay in. Looks like we are staying in Phi Phi Don then...
Lesson number 2: dont ever pay for a room before seeing the place and the surrounding area.
At the end of the dock the ferry drops you off at are several "travel agents" and stands waiting to convince you to stay in one of their many offered hotels and guest houses. The walls are covered with pictures of the rooms in each hotel offered, along with a star on a map to show its location in this small beach town. Once you find one you like, or think you will like anyway, you pay the travel agent and someone comes to take you and your luggage to the hotel. We chose a bungalo with a "3 minute" walk to the beach. However, they never said how long it would take to walk there from the dock... or mention having to walk through the slum-like section of this shanty little town. The further we walked, the more disappointed we got. The streets are narrow and full of stray animals, young Thai children running around barefoot and Europeans on vacation. There are no cars, only Asians on bikes nearly running you over.
Once walking beyond row after row of bars, internet cafes, tattoo shops, and message parlors, the land opened to a smelly field with a stagnet stream and trash as far as the eye could see. This is Paradise? WTF just happened? We get to our grungy bungalo and headed to the beach in hopes it would somehow be spectacular enough to make up for our first impression of Ko Phi Phi... no such luck. It must have been low tide because the water was shallow for hundred of yards, and foamy from filth and barely moving ocean. I wouldnt even put my pinky toe in that water and was amazed as the number of foreigners frolacking about. We attempted to eat at the "Paradise Beach Resort" but had to use one hand while the other shooed away the flies. Talk about false advertising.
It only took 25 minutes of walking the town to be fearful we could get malaria or hepatitis just being there. The actual risk was probably way less than we were imagining, but the fear was enough to keep us locked up in our shady bungalo watching whatever cheezy movie was on the 1 channel in English for the rest of the night. Why the hell did we spend all this money and travel this far to stay in our rooms all night? I went out solo to get water and was told by a British guy that, "you bloody Americans have too high of standards. Go to India and see dead people on the street, then you'll see that this place is Paradise." Wow. No thank you.
And yes, maybe as American we do have too high of standards after being spoiled our whole lives, sheltered and blinded from the "real world." And I get this, but is it too much to ask to walk 10 feet without seeing trash and decomposing food lining the streets in a place refered to as "Paradise"? I realized this entire region is more litered than most because there are no trash cans in sight. There must not be a trash service like America's "Waste management" so everyones throws it on the ground. It started to look like this island had never recovered from the Tsunami and people were too drunk to care. I was more than relieved when I finally received an email from Sheridan with his location and an invitation to spend the night aboard the 130 foot sailboat he'll be working on for the next 7 months.
Lesson number 3: dont ever pay for more than one night at a time until you are positive you are staying
After working my magic and convincing the hotel and travel agent to give us our money back for the second night that we were not staying for, we high tailed it outta there on the 9:00 am ferry back to the mainland.
Lesson number 4: Always have sunscreen on at this latitude, even if it is 9 am.
The humidity was high; the clothes were off. 50+ sunburnt foreigners were spraweled across the ferry deck in bathing suits trying to sleep off their hangovers without melting in the heat. For someone who rarely sweats, I was dripping as if I had just gotten out of the ocean. But there was a smile on my face, trusting that Divine was sending us somewhere amazing that could revive our expensive and hellish trip thus far. This time, I was not let down...
Patong has a thriving night life full of bars, drunk foreigners, late night shops and massage parlors the size of a shoe box, and miles of tuk-tuk (cab) drivers lining the streets trying to get you to take a ride.
Lesson number 1: Dont be afraid to negotiate.
Nothing has a set price accept for bars... everything is negotiable. And the starting price is usually double or triple of the lowest price they will take. Of course, the price is so cheap compared to the States, you almost feel bad negotiating... but dont. As soon as they see you as a "tourist" they are taking you for a sucker. At least in these tourist areas they speak some English...
The beach was narrow and littered with trash, but the temperature was warm in the no-wave ocean. The water just lapped the shore, occasionaly beaching a beer bottle or cigarette butt. With no word from Sheridan, we decided in the morning to head to another beach town and try to find the "Paradise" everyone talks about when mentioning Thailand Beaches. Of course, what we found next made Patong look like a sanctuary...
We took a taxi for an hour to Phuket City to catch the 3:00 ferry to Ko Phi Phi. The ferry ride was 2 hours and beautiful the entire way. Islands pop up out of no where, with high steep cliffs and no beaches to go ashore. Most are uninhabited by humans simply because there is no way onto them. The land forms are crazy and steep, and it is hard to imagine how they formed in the first place. With high hopes to see Ko Phi Phi, the place they filmed Leonardo Dicaprio's movie "The Beach", we excitingly awaited our arrival... Too bad it was nothing like the movie. Ko Phi Phi is actually two islands. The larger is Phi Phi Don, where the ferry drops you off, and the smaller that the movie was filmed is Phi Phi Lay. However, the later is only visited by a tour boat and there are no hotels or town to stay in. Looks like we are staying in Phi Phi Don then...
Lesson number 2: dont ever pay for a room before seeing the place and the surrounding area.
At the end of the dock the ferry drops you off at are several "travel agents" and stands waiting to convince you to stay in one of their many offered hotels and guest houses. The walls are covered with pictures of the rooms in each hotel offered, along with a star on a map to show its location in this small beach town. Once you find one you like, or think you will like anyway, you pay the travel agent and someone comes to take you and your luggage to the hotel. We chose a bungalo with a "3 minute" walk to the beach. However, they never said how long it would take to walk there from the dock... or mention having to walk through the slum-like section of this shanty little town. The further we walked, the more disappointed we got. The streets are narrow and full of stray animals, young Thai children running around barefoot and Europeans on vacation. There are no cars, only Asians on bikes nearly running you over.
Once walking beyond row after row of bars, internet cafes, tattoo shops, and message parlors, the land opened to a smelly field with a stagnet stream and trash as far as the eye could see. This is Paradise? WTF just happened? We get to our grungy bungalo and headed to the beach in hopes it would somehow be spectacular enough to make up for our first impression of Ko Phi Phi... no such luck. It must have been low tide because the water was shallow for hundred of yards, and foamy from filth and barely moving ocean. I wouldnt even put my pinky toe in that water and was amazed as the number of foreigners frolacking about. We attempted to eat at the "Paradise Beach Resort" but had to use one hand while the other shooed away the flies. Talk about false advertising.
It only took 25 minutes of walking the town to be fearful we could get malaria or hepatitis just being there. The actual risk was probably way less than we were imagining, but the fear was enough to keep us locked up in our shady bungalo watching whatever cheezy movie was on the 1 channel in English for the rest of the night. Why the hell did we spend all this money and travel this far to stay in our rooms all night? I went out solo to get water and was told by a British guy that, "you bloody Americans have too high of standards. Go to India and see dead people on the street, then you'll see that this place is Paradise." Wow. No thank you.
And yes, maybe as American we do have too high of standards after being spoiled our whole lives, sheltered and blinded from the "real world." And I get this, but is it too much to ask to walk 10 feet without seeing trash and decomposing food lining the streets in a place refered to as "Paradise"? I realized this entire region is more litered than most because there are no trash cans in sight. There must not be a trash service like America's "Waste management" so everyones throws it on the ground. It started to look like this island had never recovered from the Tsunami and people were too drunk to care. I was more than relieved when I finally received an email from Sheridan with his location and an invitation to spend the night aboard the 130 foot sailboat he'll be working on for the next 7 months.
Lesson number 3: dont ever pay for more than one night at a time until you are positive you are staying
After working my magic and convincing the hotel and travel agent to give us our money back for the second night that we were not staying for, we high tailed it outta there on the 9:00 am ferry back to the mainland.
Lesson number 4: Always have sunscreen on at this latitude, even if it is 9 am.
The humidity was high; the clothes were off. 50+ sunburnt foreigners were spraweled across the ferry deck in bathing suits trying to sleep off their hangovers without melting in the heat. For someone who rarely sweats, I was dripping as if I had just gotten out of the ocean. But there was a smile on my face, trusting that Divine was sending us somewhere amazing that could revive our expensive and hellish trip thus far. This time, I was not let down...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sohgn kran
The festival has begun. The Buddhist new year has arrived and the next 5 days are proven to be wet. It is a "cleansing" period so the streets are packed with people loaded with buckets of water. You cannot walk or even drive two feet with out getting drenched. Soaked to the bone, I smile, as it is a blessing to be hosed down in this heat. New years for them, Easter to me, today is a day of celebration. Divine leading the way with every step I take. All is well in thailand... My new home.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Arrival...
I am finally here. The land of the Thai. Humple people who are always kind and have a smile on their face. Beautiful people. Beautiful place. The energy here is peaceful and resonates deep into my soul. My purpose is not presently clear, but I know I am meant to do something here. Possibly provide medical knowledge to the hill people who do not come down from the mountain. Their dilect is different so they cannot communicate with the city folk. They grow and raise their own food and are self sustaining. Many have parished from lack of medical treatment and would benefit from even basic knowledge in this regard. Freasher water would help too. Regardless I know I am meant to help and make a difference here... Time will tell and Divine will show me the way. Of that I'm certain...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Journey Begins...
2 flights down... 2 to go. Baltimore to Denver; Denver to LA... LA to Taiwan; Taiwan to Thailand. 24 combined hours of flying... 30 with layovers.
An adventure at hand... a journey begins. The future unknown but experiences of a lifetime are a definite... gaining perspective.
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