A Test of Faith

Though I have always known it to be true, it has become abundantly clear to me that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. And while we may not always know at the time, or ever for that matter, what the reason is we must have faith that there is one...

I am currently "stuck" in Bangkok alone with no real assurance as to when I will finally fly home. I paid a travel agent over 29,000 baht (about $1000) for a plane ticket leaving Bangkok on September 29th, but a few days before my boyfriend (who also booked his return ticket through the travel agent) was due to leave we received word there had been an error and he would be unable to fly home on his scheduled date of the 24th. At first I was the happiest girl ever because that meant I had a few more days with my baby... however over the course of the next week the date of his departure continued to change, even after recieving confirmation emails for the flights. We were both broke, but at least we had each other, so we simply prayed about it and let Divine take care of it... Our stress did continue to rise though as things became more muddled but after a suggestive letter from his aunt that the cops would be called if the matter was not resolved, David did eventually get a flight home... so we were confident that my ticket would not be a problem. Sure I was out of money, but I had just enough to last the extra day and a half so we were not worried.

However, shortly after David's departure I recieved word from the travel agent that my ticket was now up in the air and that I too would have to wait. With each passing day I was promised that I would be able to fly out "tomorrow"... but "tomorrow" has yet to come. And to make matters worse my visa expired on the 30th and I will encure a 500 baht penatly per day that I am in the country beyond my allowed date... so with only 70 baht left to my name (less than $2) I began to panic... My ego ran my mind amok and I cried out to God, "why is it that now that I am ready to go home, I cannot leave?" After speaking with David and my family I became calmer and began to pray. I realized that there must be a reason for this delay and that if I do not get my vibration back to the Light of my True Being, I will miss the reason, and potentially prolong my stay in Bangkok even longer. Again my ego just wanted to bitch, like, "why couldnt this have happend in Chiang Mai where I have friends that can help me, and an area that I know well and feel safe in?" But as I grew silent and asked God to allow my ego to calm so that I could be in a positive vibration the answers to my ego's thought started to come.

It is a test of Faith; a time to put all of the lessons that I have learned on this journey to good use. Of course it was easy for me to feel connected to Divine in Chiang Mai where the energy flows so deeply... Of course it was easy to feel connected to Divine when spending time with the love of my life who also has a deep relationship with God... but can I do it alone in the face of a large city with ample noise, people, lights, and chaos? Can I find my center when there are so many things around to distract me? As I contimplated this my vibration shifted yet higher and more answers arose... If I cant do it here, how can I possibly think I can vibrate at this new frequency when at home, where it is so easy to just fall back into the old habbits and routines of life? If I cannot learn to remain my expanded True Self in Bangkok, I will not be able to remain my expanded True Self at home.

I decided to go to a book store with the little bit of money I have left (after a donation from my mother to my bank account) to buy a spiritual book to help me in this process. I chose Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist" and read the 177 page book in one sitting. By the end I had tears in my eyes, a smile on my face, and the peace that comes from knowing we are all always truely connected to Source. There were many lessons in the book that I can apply to my current situation but the one that hit home the most was when the alchemist says to the boy, "what you need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everyting that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream." It is then that the boy recalls an old proverb from his country, "the darkest hour of night came just before the dawn..." After reading these words I knew I had chosen the right book, and that it was reitifying what I has already started to contimplate... that I must be tested on the lessons I have learned while traveling South East Asia so that I may truely apply them in my life in the Western World; so that I do not lose them and fall back into the person I was before I left.

So here I sit, still unaware of when I will get to come home, but with a smile on my face... For I am not really alone, because Divine is always closer than our breath. It is a time of reflection amongst the stress; a time of silence amongst the noise; a time of peace amongst the chaos; and a time of prayer amongst ego's desire to retreat to its old routine... Expansion of my soul is what I came to seek, but what I have learned in this very moment is that even expansion needs time to center. And while this may feel like the darkest hour, the dawn is still on the horizon...