Letting Go...

The hardest thing for me to do in my life is to let go... no matter how small and insignificant something may be, i always find myself resisting letting it go. When my parents divorced at age 9, i refused to let go of the idea that they would never be back together. i think if i look deep into myself, i still have yet to give this hope up, even while knowing it would not be good for either of them. when i went off to college i refused to let go of my high school friendships, even though they were no longer harmonious to our new true selves. i still keep in touch with a few of them, but when i am honest with myself i recognize that we are no longer best friends, and probably never will be again. even small things like a drug induced high was hard for me to let go during my experimental years. i always wanted to stay a little longer, feel just a little bit better, before letting go and residing back into reality... but why? why is is so hard to let go? a dear friend recently pointed out to me that i have always wanted instant gratification, because i did not trust the future. i think it applies here to. if i let go of this now, what will i have next? what will the future hold? what if it is not better? how can i jump ship when i dont know if there will be a life boat to save me?
The hardest thing for me to let go was my relationship with the man i loved for over a quarter of my life. the heartache was unimaginable and i retreated back to childish ways just to put off dealing with the pain. of course deep down i knew that the break up was inevitable and absolutely necessary, but letting go of the dream future i had created in my mind was life shattering. i thought i was finally at peace with it all, and of course thankful because its what got me to thailand on this spiritual journey, but that all came crashing down last night... i received news that my X got married to the woman he was cheating on me with, and my heart stopped beating. all thoughts left my mind, and my soul silently wept. but why? did i not let this all go a year and a half ago? why do i even care??
i was proud of myself for not crying, and for my first response to be "good for him, i hope he is happy and at peace..." but i admit a part of my ego thought "ha, she is probably just in it for the green card (she is chinese) and i bet they will be broken up in less than 2 years...". and though i feel guilty for having the thought at all, i now realize that those thoughts are useful information... information that there unconsciously is still a piece of me that has not yet let go. like hanging from a tree just before plunging into the water, but your last pinky finger refuses to release its grip for fear of what the water holds... something inside of me just doesnt want to let go. i would never want to get back together, and know there is no way he could handle my new state of mind, but then why does it hurt? i sat quietly with this thought, and tried to examine my emotions. they revealed that its not that i dont want him to be happy, or to find love again... its just the thought of "why was i so easy to leave behind? why was i so easy to get over and forget?"
but as i remained silent i also recognized that those were still thoughts from ego. its not personal. its not about me. the frequency i vibrate in is much higher than the one he does. neither vibration is right or wrong, but when the vibrations are that far apart, we simply cannot feel the other. as my vibration shifted towards Divine, he was left free of my wake, and clicked into that of a docile woman who would allow his vibration to be dominant. i required equality, which he was not willing to give. so its not that i was easy to forget, its that he never truly felt my vibration in the first place. so again, in the end, i am exactly where i need to be.
but what do we do with these egotistical feelings that are bitter and spiteful by nature? we bless them. we recognize them for what they are, ego, and information that our heart still has some letting go to do. and if every time we have these ill thoughts, we send blessings to those that the thoughts were about, we at least come to a vibration that is neutral. the more we do this, the more our ego mind can let go, and the more our true being can shine. if we fail to bless them, and continue to only hope for them to have pain and suffering, then we will be brought pain and suffering. we get what we give. karma. and honestly karma is a bigger bitch than ill ever need to be. so i bite the bullet, and send them love and peace. when the thoughts of her in my old apartment, playing with my cat, sleeping in my bed, pop into my mind, i exhale, and send them love. i send them peace... and in return, i feel love. i feel peace. i feel better.
so be not afraid of letting go; of the future. be not afraid of the water. take the plunge. the free fall is exhilarating, and Divine, who is always present, is the only life boat you will ever need...