Opportunity

so i find that if i just start writing, the page will fill itself... and to my surprise, i usually like it. i always have a loose idea in mind for the topic of my entries, but i find that usually Divine takes over and ends up writing it for me. when i write, i give my brain the opportunity to be still, and let the essence shine through. no chatter. no banter. no thoughts of tomorrow, or rememberances of today... just the opportunity to be... the opportunity to flow.

i am almost out of money and sincerely want to stay in asia, so i asked Divine to please show me an honorable way to make income. within 48 hours two huge opportunities fell into my lap and i was sure that they were my answer from God. at first i was ecstatic, but the more energy i put into both, the more stressed and unhappy i became. i was so confused as to why Divine would provide me with 2 opportunities that were basically set up to fail... Both positions (teaching english, and being the director of a potential new health spa here in chiang mai) were handed to me with little guidance or definition. Just do it. Just make it happen. Just teach english; "you speak english so no problem, no problem..." oh and by the way we only have a little money.
i jumped at the chance to completely design a new spa and get it up and running because that is right up my alley and i am confident that i could make it very successful... but when the owner hinted at the fact i would not be paid for my work until the business opened i started to feel some dis-ease. he instead introduced me to his friend who owns a private nursing school and within ten minutes, and a lot of thai words that i did not understand, told me i would start teaching english at her school in 2 days... i just has to design a curriculum, lesson plans, homework assignments and tests before hand. the dis-ease grew. i spent that night, and my entire 28th birthday attempting to fulfill these requests and became more panicked as the deadline came closer. the director of the school called and said to just make an easy lesson plan for day 1, "they dont speak any english... just do greetings and numbers etc..." she proceeded to tell me that she would not even be there on day 1 due to a meeting, but that her husband and the permanent teacher would be. when i asked if they could translate for me, she said no because they only speak a little english themselves... the "no-problem" part time job to make a little (and i stress a little) money really began to bug me out. and i still couldnt understand why God would have brought solutions that included so much stress. but on i pushed, doing research on the web, thumbing through ESL english manuals, on my birthday, just so my desired end of making money could come into fruition.
Day 1 arrived and was a complete disaster. i walked into the classroom to find 25 staring faces, whispering in words i couldn't understand, and no sight of the teacher or husband. is this really how the first day of a new job is supposed to go? i began with greetings, to quickly learn that the students already knew them... and everything else i had planned to teach. so much for them not speaking english at all... these kids could even write it. so what the hell was i going to do for the next 2 hours? fortunately i brought my thai phrase book with me and did end up teaching the students some very useful health related words and expressions foreign patients may say to them, but i came home completely drained and depressed. why had i been set up to fail? i tried one more time to make this desired end work, but after doing more research i learned that i should not be responsible for designing the curriculum and other expected materials, unless i was at a University and receiving 5 times the amount i was offered.
Finally it clicked, literally, that this was not about making money, but about taking my power back, and learning how to not give it away. i have a habit of letting myself be taken advantage of, and a habit of not standing up when faced with a potential negative outcome. well, here was the opportunity to do both. I had missed the opportunity to keep my power; I missed the opportunity to ask for more money, or more time before starting to teach so that i could enjoy my birthday...
now i have to take the opportunity to take my power back, and let go of my desired end of making money to stay. in the end, they need me more than i need them. in the end, i dont have to have money now to travel... i can come back. my desire to stay is strong, but i finally realized that staying and working an insane amount of hours between both jobs for very little money was not my solution. i just wanted to make money to travel. so why take jobs that would permanently keep me in chiang mai? i am still a bit sad that i must pass on the spa position, because it has become a dream of mine and seems silly to let it slip through my fingertips, but when i take the opportunity to be still, i see and more importantly feel the dis-ease that tells me now is not the time. but had i stayed rigid in my thinking, in my hoping for a desired end, i would be slaving over english books and budget proposals right now... and would definitely not be traveling.

opportunity is everywhere. the key is to have your eyes and mind open so that you can see them for what they really are. many instances can appear to be an opportunity to achieve a desired end, and we believe it so much that we focus all our energy on it. however, sometimes it really is the opportunity for something else entirely, a different end... one with higher meaning. we can miss it completely while staying rigid in our hope and expectation for our desired end. we even suffer when it doesn't happen, and we think things haven't worked out. ... but when we approach all things with an open mind, a loose idea, there is room for change, room for growth, and the opportunity for Divine to shine through...